Embracing the setback

It's been a full year since my mother-in-law went to meet Jesus face to face and so I thought I would honor this day by going to our favorite sushi place. I was sitting here eating a piece of mango shrimp, Dianne's favorite, reminiscing and thought it would be a good time to just share what's been going on over here in my little corner of the world. (Have you seen Rodgers and Hammerstein's version of Cinderella? Makes me think of that song Cinderella sings)

So, Monday marked my 42nd birthday. I know, how did that happen? This year, I was really struggling with a sense of heaviness, but the kindness of God is truly amazing. I visited my favorite coffee shop to get a coffee and see my favorite barista, and I unexpectedly ran into a special friend who gave me the most perfect hug while I was deciding what to order. The Lord knew exactly what I needed. My lavender honey iced coffee turned out perfectly, and this picture doesn't do it justice. I wish I had taken a cuter photo of it when I went to my church's prayer room to sit, but oh well.

My birthday iced coffee

I went into the prayer room at the church and immediately felt God's presence. Sometimes I will catch a certain fragrance like anointing oil. Of course I look around to see if it could be woman's perfume because my human logic tries to get in the way of me believing I can actually smell the spiritual realm. I also got to see yet another special friend and receive yet another special hug. I am telling you God just knew exactly what I needed. I truly believe it softened my heart to encounter the Lord in a deeper way. As I was sitting there I was asking the Lord for a garment of praise to replace heaviness. I felt to look up that scripture and do a deeper dive into it and I am not yet ready to share what I experienced as I was receiving revelation of His word but it was so special and I am still chewing on the revelation. God has also had me back in the story of Moses and the promise land and if you know anything about my story from years ago He really has been speaking to me about complaining for a long time and I feel I am going even deeper this year into this subject but instead of focusing on the complaining and me trying and striving to do better He is shifting my mindset. It's not about me striving to try harder and do better it's about receiving everything done at the cross. Again, all of this is new revelation and stay tuned because I will share it as I feel released to. Right now I am still chewing and chewing and wrestling and working it out.

What else can I share? I'm still on a social media break, and it's truly been the best decision. I highly recommend taking even just a weekend off to clear your mind. It's incredibly beneficial. Currently, I have no plans to return. Initially, I thought it would just be for the rest of this year, but now I have no desire to go back. It's unbelievable! I admit I was addicted, and acknowledging that is a huge step for me. I was discussing with a friend this morning how God has been working in my schedule in a significant way. I was even considering looking for a part-time job because I really miss customer service. That's the part of banking I miss most—the interaction with the community. I had started reaching out to a few places and even received an interesting remote coaching opportunity via email, but no one responded. Little did I know, I would end up driving my dear friend Beverly to another round of radiation treatments. The Lord knows what He is doing if we remain patient.

Beverly is doing well; she is incredibly courageous! I'm now just trying my best to remain patient and hear clearly from the Lord. I titled this "Embracing the Setback" because this period has somewhat felt like a setback, but perhaps that's another mindset shift I need to consider. I hadn't realized how much of my identity was tied to what I do. When I'm out in public, I'm often asked about what I'm doing, and since we don't have children, it's even more awkward to say nothing. I am currently not coaching and the counseling course I was taking I had put to the side last year and honestly just felt like it wasn't the training I was looking for. Oh friend, funny not really funny thing is that I prayed for this. I wanted released from the bank so badly to spend more time with God in our church's prayer room but I had no idea how challenging the transition would be. There has been this pull to do do do instead of just be. The fact that I am even in the position to be able to just be is such a blessing I need to fully embrace.

I remember when my husband and I first got married. We were so in love, I was eager to cook, clean, and be the best wife I could be. But how quickly that feeling fades if we're not intentional. I soon worked hard to secure a full-time position at the bank to earn more money so we could build our dream house. Then I became focused on getting promoted and convincing myself to be satisfied with a banking career, despite a deep desire to pursue music. I was so restless and begged God to get me out. I sometimes question if I moved ahead of God with all of that but even if I did He is so gracious to redeem the time. Regardless what if the conflict I felt within this entire time was just the need to know my identity as daughter? That no matter what I "do" in this life isn't as important as cultivating a relationship with Jesus. Have I struggled to be more like Mary instead of Martha? Now, I have the opportunity to be like Mary, sitting at Jesus' feet and letting Him remove the things I once found my identity in. I have another chance to just enjoy being a wife. It feels like He is redeeming the lost time—I remember so well those moments when I came home too exhausted to cook dinner or keep the house organized. I can't say my house is super organized now that I have more time but I actually keep up with the dishes and the laundry and cook supper.

I am baking sourdough bread. HA! I haven't quite conquered it yet however I have made some amazing chocolate chip cookies with the sourdough discard. Diet? What diet? HA! oh that's a whole other topic for another day.

sourdough discard chocolate chip cookies

With all of this said I will say the most beneficial thing that I can do for myself, my marriage, or for any relationship is spend time with God. Oh, I finished my upstairs office space and it is now my prayer room. There has been some amazing moments in that room and if I'm honest some yelling and storming out too. There has been beautiful worship and praise songs and some key pounding because I have nothing in me to give that day but I tried. Can I leave you with this? God is extremely relational and I understand not finding the time for Him but don't stay stuck in that like I did for years. I completely understand not having the energy because you are working full-time. I understand not feeling loved enough to try. I understand being too bitter to try. May I encourage you to just try? It is so worth it and so life changing. Start out small and build from that. There are some great devotionals on the bible app. It is really fun doing them with a friend too. He loves you so much. When our eyes are opened to His beauty it is fun the little signs He leaves. Check out this cute heart on my sock when I was sitting with Him just the other day. There is truly no one like our God. He is amazing!

winks from God