So what's next???

I felt called to lay it ALL down for three months.

ALL.OF. IT.

That meant worship team, coaching clients, counseling classes, and social media. I was also encouraged to pick a full day to Sabbath (no, unfortunately I was not practicing this already). I had plans to somewhat keep an update of how things were going throughout these three months but if I'm going to be honest nobody subscribed to stay updated and I lost all interest of writing anything. I lost all interest of a lot of things I was once passionate about.

It's been a tough three months.

Since I went into the working world (gosh back in 2002) all I know is striving for promotion. All I know is taking whatever hours they would give to me and proving that I was an excellent employee. All I know is pushing through any grief or heartache because I had a job to do and people to impress. What I didn't realize is I also did this in ministry. I pushed through thinking it was that darn devil trying to get me to quit. Which may have been the case at times but the times it wasn't I headed to burn out. What I also didn't realize about myself is that I was still operating in a works mentality. Like I was striving for God's love and acceptance. I mean I've been "made for more" right? God has grand plans for me. He wants to use me in BIG WAYS doesn't He?! I have been holding onto such insecurity of not feeling important that I just had to perform to be important somehow. Getting that promotion and new job title proved I was important. Releasing that album proved that I was successful and using my gifts. I am not in anyway saying God didn't lead me to those jobs or releasing an album, I am just saying there was this striving thing hidden deep in my heart. Shall I call it pride? The beautiful thing God has been showing me is that I don't have to do a blasted thing "in the name of Jesus" to be loved and accepted. He loves me. He even likes me. God has been teaching me to reconnect to ME. I have been so disconnected from my heart and it was manifesting in my health. I haven't taken care of myself. I didn't know how. I was taught to think of others before myself and to not be conceited or selfish in the name of Jesus. This has led me down a path of avoiding emotions and ignoring my needs which led to people pleasing, performance mentality, and either numbing out with alcohol, food, buying clothes, or scrolling social media. So when I laid everything down and had nothing to do but housework and grocery shopping things got uncomfortable real quick. My mind needed renewed in a big way and I'm still working through that. The transition has been challenging and I feel like I didn't quite settle in yet.

Can I just say this though, family should always be our first ministry. If ministry is causing you to not have time for family then something needs adjusted. It has been a blessing to be more available for family and to take care of our home. My mother-in-law was placed in a nursing home back in November and it was so God to have me not working so I could drop everything to go over if my father-in-law had an appointment or wasn't feeling well and couldn't be there. It's been a great blessing to go into my church's prayer room to just sit and pray, worship, or study His word. Some days I would just sit there and do nothing. It's been wonderful being able to meet other women for coffee and talk about life. I honestly avoided most relationships when I worked full-time. I was so exhausted by the end of the day/week that I would brush off any plans becaue I just didn't have the capacity. Connecting has been a beautiful thing these few months.

My mother-in-law graduated to heaven a few days after my birthday in April and it was bittersweet. You feel a relief that she is no longer a captive to the nursing home just laying in bed staring at the wall yet you want the healthy version still with you. I already miss our sushi dates but the Lord so kindly placed a friend in my life who shares my love for sushi and we did a sushi feast on Mother's Day in her honor.

Mothers Day is always challenging for me and this one was no different.

So what's next now that the three months is almost up? Well, to be honest I have found myself scrolling social media again and I don't think my mind is truly ready. I am a big time feeler and it's a lot to take in at times. Plus I don't sleep at night as it is why choose to do that right before bed? Auurrgghh but I do it without even thinking about it so I think I need to delete the apps from my phone for a bit longer. I did feel released to share a few things in my stories the last few weeks but I have no desire to start back a routine of posting unless the Lord leads me to it. I will say I refuse to rush back into everything. I will take my time as the Lord leads. I will share more of my story as the Lord leads. Am I going back to coaching? Again, I will do it as the Lord leads right now I am seeking Him on this. Maybe I will go back to a "9-5" who knows? What I do know is I am learning REST. It's not a sit around and do nothing kind of rest it's true rest in God. I've been learning a new approach with spiritual warfare and I

Funny thing- I started this about a week ago and since I wrote this I have been offered a "too good to be true" opportunity at a "9-5". Life is funny. I have to admit I'm really scared. I've been hashing it out with the Lord. I also had my website subscription come out of my account automatically today and I thought about cancelling it completely but here I am. I did commit to come back to the Worship Team on Sundays and Monday nights but I'm easing back into it I'm not committing to every Sunday and Monday. I still have no plans to rush back into a social media content routine. Heck, maybe it will just turn into a personal page...?

At the end of the day I just want to reflect Jesus in all I do and not be busy. I am also done with stress. DONE! I need to be honest though I am still working through this one. I am more aware than ever that it starts with the renewal of the mind. What are my triggers? What am I truly worried about? Where's the lie and where am I not trusting God? I'm still coaching myself daily. I am so thankful for Holy Spirit. He guides us to truth and is such a great counselor.

I desire to live a life surrendered. I don't need an important job title or a lot of social media followers.

I just need Jesus.